Becoming a wizard...a launch into sorcery

from: "Tales of the Gonzo Literati"

I have determined to become a sorcerer...a wizard, a male witch...but stronger and more powerful and dangerous....having sickened of the pale, anemic, repressed, ineffectual, didactic, boring, contained, predictable, sniveling, unartistic airs of the christian world.

I will return to the robust, healthy, vibrant, juicy, volatile, bubbling, chaotic, character riddled personages of the pagan deep which are our just and verified heritage. Therefrom will I draw the powers to extricate myself from the last writhing, squirming, vile, slimy, translucent, tasteless clutches of my middle class american past.

I will at first learn to ignite small bushes to burning at ever increasing distances...just like learning to shoot the 22....50 feet, 100 feet, 50 yards...until I can effect the burning of entire wooden fortresses on hillocks at distances barely visible...sometimes miles away.

Then, I need instruction in how to make tiny milk white, transparent scorpion spawn flood out the nostrils of witches like unstoppable and disgusting rivulets of snot....and particularly important right off the bat is the capacity to make odious scaled reptiles crawl out an adversary's rectum backwards at disgusting and completely inopportune times...like when they are seated or standing at an inlaw's Christmas eve party with a small flask of warm eggnog in hand.

There is of course, a perpetrator at hand who has fired this zeal for the sorcerers wit and craft.

She is, of course, a well-known witch...a black witch...who just like every other black witch in history, admits freely to proficiency in wicca and denies vehemently anything but the whitest of intents and practice.

She harbors raven claws and the feet of dead chickens which she likes to emblazon with large marbles in their grips, reminiscent of someone's skull, I suppose.

She has dreams of sex with animals.

She is silent always and plots devilish schemes with relish.

She will say nothing directly to expose her feelings or needs. She will go out of her way to betray any personal confidence at the skillfully selected maximumly inappropriate and destructive time, especially to those who have extended to her any semblance of trust, intimacy, confidence or love.

She wreaks on those who thwart her great curses of devastating power with the intent to disable and destroy.

I broke off a relation with her and within days began weathering the most amazing and destructive chain of exasperating and completely unexplainable mechanical and functional disasters, which continue now today...several months later.

Having finally realized after having remarked...for instance in the midst of trying to bodily stop a 3/4 ton pickup from self-propelling itself backwards into the lane of traffic while standing on glare ice in freezing winter locked out of this vehicle I left idling and unlocked to go whiz moments before only to return, find the door locked (but unlocked) and as I pulled and cussed, witnessed the vehicle begin to back itself across the street. Running to the opposite door, crawling across my concomitant pile of essential debris to switch off the ignition and slam the gear shift into first to affect a stop, returned to the driver's door to find it unlocked and perfectly operable.

No kidding kids, six months of this kind of maddening disasters with little or no explanation, uncanny inappropriateness of timing and a suspicious coincidence with a sinister direction at their core designing to thwart and destroy...hundreds of them...almost to become a lifestyle of mechanical and functional misdeeds....dependable only in the extent of their disaster.

It was finally pointed out, almost inadvertent and flippantly by a passing friend commenting on the last fiasco..." someone's put a curse on you."

I have no knowledge...or should say had no knowledge ...of spells, witches, curses and the like....or any particular belief in them....until now.

But for days, going back over the timing of the onset of these circumstances, sure enough they coincided in timing and certainly with tenor and intent with the jilting of that relationship with that woman who admitted freely her existence as a witch.

Well, certainly panic comes to mind as a possible reaction to such a realization. Then the paranoia of victim hood...a role I have found only all too familiar these many years. Then the anger. Then the doubt...pooh poohing such existence and trying to be wary of pointing blame to avoid personal responsibility in these causes.

Put yourself in my shoes for a moment...being a person not at all prone to creadencing such movie theater hogwash..but eventually bashed and beaten by maddeningly insane occurrences of disaster involving everything with lubrication systems, moving parts, bearings and wheels in your life...into at least considering that that intuitive rush in your gut at every new occurrences that there is a stitching thread of demonic intent and play at work behind them...leads you finally to at least, out of desperation for any relief or understanding...to at least consider that this witchcraft thing and its curse phenomenon may be a possibility to contend with.

I have.

Then you spend a few days trying to find someone who knows something about it, only to have friends quietly confide that similar things have happened to them that have taken years of valiant commitment to integrity acts to outlive.....yikes, years of this no human could survive...I'd be an immaciated penitent in tattered loincloth dragging one of those pseudo-plastic real life-sized crucifixion crosses with a trailer wheel on the back around spewing pathos like some 1930's movie out of Lorca's Spain.

I'm riddled with victim hood as a seemingly inherent thinking pattern...the possessor of a startlingly bright cortex which may actually belong or not belong to the enemy...whoever that is.

But in the long run, I seem to come up with valiant and insightful ways to extricate myself from the Don Quixote maze...and by jesus, I believe I've done it again.

Weeks of piddling with anger fantasies and retribution dreams against this retaliation-deserving denizen of small sculpted fawns with ears large enough to make them fly. Then only to experience still more brutal mechanical disasters in their aftermath.

Suddenly it came to me...there are people more powerful than witches. There are wizards and there are sorcerers who can singe the short and curlys off of one of these conniving denizens....and by jesus...that is what I'd better become.

Suddenly, the skies opened and buoyant hope and relief began to reign as my spirits rode above the victim hood of curse...the taste of newt's eye left my tongue...the flutter of bat wings every time i reached into my pants pocket departed...the cauldrons of green slimy body parts stopped simmering and ceased to boil.

I will become a vengance. And I won't dilly dally with any of that white wizard, black wizard crap either. I'm not one to shuck myself into any rut. I aim to become a freewheeling sorcerer...an ornery, cantankerous, unpredictable...you'd better by god not fuck with him kind of wizard. One that pulls reptilian pranks just for the hell of it. One that is a complete and disastrous adversary when thwarted or crossed. One with a wide reputation of performing beneficial miracles for the deserving (especially nubile young ripe-breasted women in need).

I'll be the kind of sorcerer the green party will call on when a republican incumbent threatens successful reelection. I'll be the devastating sources of demonic lightening bolts that can freeze a malathion mosquito spraying rig into melted pot metal hot and singing in the hands of the retaliatory driver and their thug accomplices.

I'll be the wizards power that can disappear entire hardware and grocery store counter sections of lawn chemicals.

I'll be the male witch who can send the scent of synthetic perfumed hussies back up their nostrils and lodge it there until their own stench drives them to the robowash.

I'll shrivel george w. bushes wee wee into a pathetic stub at insanely inopportune moments and cause him to flatulate loudly at the microphone.

I will make dickless cheney's mouth vomit crude every time he speaks in public or in politic.

I'll vanish entire big box retailers...wall marts, pet smarts, office depots, targets (well maybe not target, that's where i get my washcloths)...from the earth...poof, cinders and the next day, returned to pristine riparian fields and streams...the way they were before the dozers and the money grabbers and the parking lots.

That's what kind of wizard I'll be. And by god I'll lay bait for the hooks that witch has put in me...if, indeed, that's what's going on. And my curse will crawl back up the tendrils of her mischief to its source.

And there isn't any reason I can see for not developing the capability of making scaled reptiles crawl out of her rectum backwards....if you can imagine it, why can't it be real...we live in an infinite universe armed with the theory of relativity, right?

But the icing on the cake....she's a scorpio you see (and in complete denial of the fragility of small arachnids that live in thin-shelled carapaces)...the chef-de-ouvre is to get so good that I can make rivers of tiny scorpion snot billow out of her nose at the dinner table...billions of tiny slime infested arachnids so painfully symbolic of her astrological nature crawling everywhere across her clothes and table.

Now that is an objective worthy of a loose-cannon, free wheeling, aerol flynn, swashbuckling, renaissance man, arnold schwartznegger (no, strike that one) sorcerer.

Watch out you denizens of the coven...there's a large new cat on the block.